


gluing glass back together

by chasingjupiter



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot, not a drama but plenty dramatic, post kinda breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25141258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingjupiter/pseuds/chasingjupiter
Summary: "How could I have gone to sleep with my entire world in my arms and woken up with it completely shattered?"
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	gluing glass back together

"Oh. Hi."

Soonyoung swivels around. Standing in front of his disbelieving eyes is the one person he would've never expected to see at ass o'clock in the morning in the middle of the grocery store.

"Jihoon."

Jihoon's name slips out of his mouth easily, without his throat clogging up or his tongue curling around the familiar syllables. It's not really a greeting, more of an acknowledgement, but Jihoon turns to him anyway and lets his attention focus on Soonyoung.

"It's good to see you. How've you been?"

And Soonyoung properly looks at Jihoon now, really gets a good look, and he's left anchored to the ground by only the soles of his shoes. His ex-boyfriend's cheeks have slimmed out a little, and his figure is generally more lithe. His arms look more muscular than before- he wonders how it would feel touching them. Returning to his face, he realizes that apart from those few features, it's pretty much the same Jihoon. Tired eyes that glow when satisfied. Pretty, adroit hands. An expression that Soonyoung thinks he can interpret but never gets right. 

"I'm doing great," he blatantly lies. "Never better."

And it seems like Jihoon can't really read him anymore either, because he takes it in stride and nods like he's interested. 

"That's really good to hear," Jihoon tells him, smiling politely. "Really good. Me too, I mean, I'm doing well. Feeling on top of the world."

He can tell neither of them are saying what they really want to say, but if Jihoon's thinking anything like he is, it's impossible to pinpoint something to say and mean.

What does he feel? Soonyoung could tell Jihoon about all his sleepless, empty nights. How he can't fall asleep without the rustle of bedsheets and warmth pressed tight to his side. He could share the ache in his fingertips, or the ever-present cold on his lips. He could surge forward, fill his arms with Jihoon, whisper in his ear about all the all-nighters for fear of dreaming about him. He could push the blame on Jihoon for his overworked ankle or for his shit budgeting when it comes to grocery shopping. 

The cause of it is all Jihoon, Jihoon, Jihoon, but he couldn't blame him. 

Jihoon looks like he's waiting for Soonyoung to say something, but when he doesn't, he clears his throat. "Well then, I'll be off. Lots of... junk food to buy."

His ex-boyfriend (Current boyfriend? Did they ever really break it off?) is turning away from him when he blurts out "Wait!"

Jihoon looks back at him like he expected the outburst. His eyes are patient, his shoulders loose. Soonyoung feels his throat go dry.

"Yes?"

"Can you," and every word feels like a battle, "Can you just tell me why?"

Soonyoung's watching Jihoon's stance. It's not defensive, yet, but it tenses slightly. He can't bear to meet Jihoon's eyes when he's sure they're filled with irritation.

"Why I left?"

God, the way he says it, so matter-of-factly- Soonyoung regrets everything. He wishes he never opened his stupid mouth. What was the point? Jihoon would just feed him a useless answer and Soonyoung would be left behind, again, aching for someone who would never sit still.

Still, he can't undo these past few fateful minutes, so he nods, a bare flick of his head.

"I figured you'd ask," Jihoon says. How he sounds so calm, Soonyoung doesn't know. Probably because he doesn't care for it. Maybe because his entire universe didn't up and leave him before the sun tottered into the sky. "I don't know if I can tell you the truth."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it might hurt you more than I already have. Maybe we should leave this behind."

Soonyoung feels something hot rise in his chest, curl unpleasantly in his throat. "You can't be serious," he says, incredulous. His apprehension is nowhere to be seen, replaced with a desperate indignation to rival Jihoon's utter calm. "You mean to say your answer is going to hurt me more than you already have. That's- that's fucking impossible, Jihoon." His voice shakes, with anger or with emotion or both, when he says Jihoon's name. He's sure Jihoon pretends not to notice.

"And leave it behind us? Sorry to burst your bubble, but this shit isn't going to just settle with time. Maybe for you, but if you're so concerned with my wellbeing you should know that I haven't had a single moment of repose since you left. I can't leave this behind, I-

"You fucking broke me, Jihoon, you know that? Everything was so good and I was so in love and- I just- How could I have gone to sleep with my entire world in my arms and woken up with it completely shattered?"

Jihoon stares at him, eyes bleeding a message painfully hard to decipher. Soonyoung breathes heavily and wonders if he'd gone too far. If perhaps Jihoon would realize exactly why he'd left in the first place.

"I left because-" and Jihoon is blurting out unclear words that rush into each other, "Because I was afraid. I know it's stupid, I told you it might hurt you more, knowing how stupid of a reason it is. I just thought that- that it would all go wrong.

"I was terrified, Soonyoung. I woke up that morning and watched you snore and what scared me the most was that I knew I would do anything, with no exceptions, to keep you safe and snoring soundly. I was scared of the depth of my emotions and I didn't understand them and that fucking scared me. I know I should talked to you or at least explained why I needed some time but I didn't and... I'm sorry."

They're both breathing heavily in the middle of the baking goods aisle and someone brushes past them with a curious look. Soonyoung waits for the young woman to round the corner before speaking, voice low.

"Jihoon."

This name. Just a few days ago he'd been knelt on the floor, repeating it to himself, begging for some kind of answer. Like a prayer to someone who would never hear it, a prayer to the absence of a person he'd loved more dearly than anything.

"I can't- I can't blame you," he says, weakly. It seems to be a recurring theme. "I just - can't."

Jihoon doesn't meet his eyes. He's still very quiet, calm, but it's a fragile shell, and if Soonyoung squints he might just see Jihoon trembling in his sneakers glued to the floor.

"I'm sorry," Jihoon whispers. "I'm so sorry." He turns around, making to leave for the second time.

"You're going to leave? Again?"

"What else is there to do?" he asks desperately, not bothering to face Soonyoung. "If I don't leave, what would happen? We get back together? Everything is solved? What difference does it make the second time around?"

Soonyoung feels his chest swell all the way up to his throat, the engorged pain from within suffocating. "If you stay, you at least give us a chance," he says, sounding like he's pleading, when he's just standing placidly in the aisle, a hand resting on his shopping cart.

"A chance," Jihoon scoffs bitterly. 

"Yes, a chance," Soonyoung repeats, as if the more times they say it, the deeper it burrows into Jihoon's conscience. "A chance to try again- to trust each other again. To love each other again. I still love you, Jihoon," and as he declares this for the entire grocery store to hear, liquid fury prickles at his eyes, the loose grip on the shopping cart curling into a clenched fist. "I love you, Jihoon."

Looking pained, Jihoon mutters, "Don't say that."

Soonyoung's angry. He's turning a blotchy red, he reaches to rake a hand through his hair. "Yeah?" he challenges. It feels like he's standing before a cliff, the adrenaline coursing erratically through him, wind swirling around Jihoon and him until that's all there is: no stacks of instant brownie mix, no harried employee scrambling to detonate the situation, only him and Jihoon facing each other, so close, yet the entire fucking cliff gaping between.

In the moment, Soonyoung doesn't think of what would piss Jihoon off most, or what would get Jihoon to stay for another second longer. All he does is let his mouth shout, in an intrepid crescendo, "I love you! I love you! I love you like the craziest man on Earth! Maybe I am. Maybe that's why I'm still head over heels in love with you even after you dismiss me time and time again. You think you don't deserve this, you're scared of what it could mean. Well, fuck that! I love you. I love you in spite of that- I love that, too, because it's fucking part of you, and I love you."

The wind dissipates. A hand clutches at the crook of his arm, a call for sanity. He shakes it off. "Well?" He feels unimpressive. 

Jihoon lets go of his shopping cart and steps towards him, his eyes narrowed and threatening, the frantic employee thrusting himself between them, and Jihoon plows forward anyway, snatching Soonyoung's deathly clamp on his cart away. Jihoon blazes like the sun parting clouds and the universe expanding indefinitely, and he blazes right into Soonyoung's lips, and even then the kiss is searing, like it's leaving a permanent mark, like smoke gasps from the press of his red, hot mouth.

It's not like meeting an old friend after months of no communication. It's not like stumbling upon a childhood photo album.

It's like being hurled straight into a pool. Feeling the slap of the water right in your face, fighting to gulp air and realizing your nose is bleeding and it's staining the water around you a weak pink. Knowing you're stewing in a glorified bathtub, or a degraded sea, and yet feeling something wonderfully novel anyhow.

They break for air; Jihoon is holding his shoulders like letting go might mean drowning. "What was that for," he hears himself choke out, and Jihoon smiles terribly, just how Soonyoung loves.

"Let's go," he says instead of answering.

"You're not scared?"

"Terrified," Jihoon grins. "Let's go, all the same."

**Author's Note:**

> wah wah wah i wrote this on my phone bc i'm melodramatic at night  
> thanks for reading <3 
> 
> twitter (main, which is less writing and more inane carat things): kaozumes


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